WARNING: THIS IS KIND OF DEPRESSING, but it happened so I am sharing it.
I have good news and bad news.. the good news is that we are slated for Austin to come home on Saturday and Grace to come home on Monday or Tuesday. We have tentatively reserved the family room for Friday night so that we can do what is called "room in" with the twins. It is a trial run I suppose.. We are really excited and would be more so if what happened yesterday wouldn't have happened. :(
Bad news is that I was doing the 2pm feeding and was feeling really self sufficient.. I had just fed Grace and had to give her some vitamins so I was trying to give her a bottle. About 2/3 of the way through the bottle, she vommited all over me, nice! I didn't think anything of it, burped her, made sure she was ok and then wrapped her up and put her back in her crib. I went over to start Austin and the alarm went off. What happened next is something I will never forget. I turned and looked at my precious baby Gracie and she looked dead. She was ash gray and wasn't breathing.. she had aspirated her milk and was having a HUGE apnea episode. When I got to her, she was limp and not breathing and I grabbed her out of the crib and began patting her back vigorously.. a minute later, she was still limp. The nurses came over and asked me to give them Grace and as I stepped aside, they gave her oxygen and tried to suction her nose and throat. I have never been so terrified in my life. I thought for sure she was gone. About two minutes in, she finally took a big breath and started crying. I think I lost about 5 years in that moment.. my heart was beating so fast.
It turns out that she had indeed apirated milk and they suctioned it out of her airway, sat her up and called the respiratory therapist and our doctor. Our biggest fear is pneumonia obviously so we will watch her over the next few days to be sure her white cell count stays down. She is scheduled for an EKG as well bc her heart rate is still high (160s) even with the transfusion. They said it would be smart to check it before she leaves and I agree. I think they are still going to allow her to come home, but I am hoping that they keep her for at least another week. I don't think I will be able to handle it if something happens to her at home, While she is there, they can intervene quickly and I can step aside and let them do their jobs. If it is just us, I will be the one to bring her back and in theory that is all nifty, CPR and what have you.. but who wants to do that to their 5lb. 9oz. child??? I am terrified I will not do it right and it will be my fault if something horrible happens.
I will do anything to keep my child alive, but today really REALLY sucked and I just pray that we never have to go through that again. I will never forget what she looked like and that makes me so angry.. that I had to see that, that I know now what my child would look like if she passed. We are at the end of our stay in the NICU and it has been a roller coaster .. I wish I could get off. I wish I had that choice and I don't. We just keep rolling with the punches and I keep wondering, why is this happening? Maybe in time I will understand more deeply but right now it feels very personal.
Tom and I were able to go to dinner and try to celebrate VDay but I spent most of it crying, poor Tom. We will move past this eventually and the best part is that she is okay for now and we get to stay on this journey with her no matter how bumpy. Poor Austin got the shaft again with all of her drama.. he did great today and we will continue to watch him, hold him and hopefully bring him home on Saturday. The saga continues..
Update
Grace weighs 5lbs. 9 oz and Austin weighs 5lbs. 13 oz. :)
Much love to you all and Happy Valentine's Day,
Erica and Tom
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