I can't say that the past 24 hours have been all wonderful. We got Grace home after going back and forth with the doctors for days.. it was supposed to be amazing right? Well.. wrong. We had spoken with the team at the NICU about her being ready to come home and that she hadn't had a lot of episodes and so I was feeling so much safer, even confident that she would be okay.
Last night was surreal.. to start with the positive. Tom got off work and we drove up after putting T3 to bed. We got there and packed up. I was so emotional knowing that the past 9 weeks were over and we were moving on to another chapter. The blood, sweat and tears we shed were coming to a close and I was feeling very emotional obviously. We put her in the carriage and then got her to the car and I couldn't help but think that we were stealing her away in the night. We arrived home and got her all nestled in with her brother and then it began..
They woke each other up several times and I was nursing Grace while standing and giving Austin his binky at the same time, hilarious and a precursor to what I will be doing for the next 6-9 months. We seemed to get through the night as best we could and today I was feeling again, confident.
Around 11:45am, I was holding Grace after feeding her. She had latched really well and I felt like she had gotten a lot of milk.. I was even a little proud that our relationship was starting so smoothly. My sister called and I was talking away when Grace choked on milk that was apparently coming back up. The next few minutes did not go so well. .. she had a brady while I was holding her and she turned that oh so beautiful shade of BLUE. My mom was standing there with me and we both jumped into action. I grabbed her and patted her back quickly, no response. We rubbed her breastbone, no response. I turned her upsidedown and smacked her on the back several times, no response!!! My mom then grabbed her and did it harder. I took the baby from her arms and laid her down on the sofa and gave her a quick breath with my own mouth over her nose and mouth and low and behold, she came back!!!! Phew!! I called 911 and they were there within several minutes. The team came in to assess the situation and I explained what happened and the medic asked that I speak with a nurse at UCLA who really wanted me to have them take her to the hospital. I took a deep breath and said, "We have been at the hospital for NINE weeks, and I am not taking her back there." They were a bit shocked but I knew this could happen and by the grace (no pun) of God, I knew what to do and I would do it again. I pray to God that I don't have to.
We agreed that I would take her to the Pediatrician and I did, and he agreed with my choice to keep her home. We even called the neonatologist and he agreed. I think the NICU may have let her go too soon but now we need to be her champions and do the best we can to keep her breathing. Ugh.. I truly HATE saying that and I wish that I could fast forward the next several months so that she could be older and this wouldn't be a problem. I have to admit that this whole experience has changed me .. as a person, as a mom. The me of two years ago could never have given her baby CPR and been laughing with the firemen 30 minutes later, while T3 gawked at the firetruck that was consuming our driveway. I am in awe of what happened today and I am grateful for CPR training, my sweet baby who keeps fighting. She has taught me a world of lessons in such a short time. I just wish they were a little less dramatic, in essence we are screwed!!! I have a feeling she will be wearing "dramatic" well throughout her life.
She is doing well tonight and so is Austin who has been amazing today, just sleeping and eating. T3 is acclimating to them well and got to hold them last night for the first time. We have designated baby toes, his for kisses. We will keep you all posted and once I can download the pictures from last night, I will post them.
Much love to you all,
Erica and Tom
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