It's my shift taking care of the twins and of course they won't sleep. Tom did the 11pm feed and let me sleep until 11:45pm which was nice. I went to bed after putting Tommy down. I'm not dead to the world yet so we will see how this schedule works out. Although I would love to keep our nannies for ever, the cold reality is that I need to be able to do this on my own at some point. Well, I take that back.. WE need to figure it out. Right now, it seems to make sense to sleep separately and keep the kids in their room. We take turns sleeping.
So...it's 2am and I'm wide awake. I hate how night time always brings out the most stressful thoughts, things you need to do, things you have forgotten to do, my mind is racing. It's all about the kids of course. After my mental rants, I always come back to the fact that I'm looking at two little miracles. I still can't believe they are here and that will have to slowly sink in over time I suppose. I think back to Tommy and how different his first three months were. I remember being in the hospital and they threatened to put him under billy lights and we were mortified! We spent those first few days frantically trying to get my milk to come in so I could get Tommy breast feeding. I was obsessed with only breast feeding him and Tom had so little to do with his care. My how a few preemies changes your whole perspective. Now, we are a tag team and he cracks me up when he says, "Erica, I'm like a single mom over here!" when we feed them together. He is doing so amazing though and has adapted just like the rest of us. I'm just taken by - you do what you have to do to survive. That is such a humbling thought for me. The past few months have been just that, survival. living from one moment to the next, not one day or even week to the next. .. And I so look forward to not being in that state of mind anymore.
Deep (more like scattered) thoughts at 2:00am, sorry.. The kids are doing fine.. Austin is being tapered off of breastmilk and we started testing formulas today. So far, Gentalese is not the fit. I started Prosobee tonight and will continue that for at least 12 hours. I have two others I can try so we will see. I was laughing thinking .. All three of my kids will have eaten differently. T3 was breast fed for 6-7 months, Grace is bottle fed breast milk and Austin is bottle fed formula and BM. Oh well, again.. Whatever works. They now have matching bouncy chairs and they are sleeping in them which is so nice .. We don't have to hold them as long after each feeding. The daytimes are ok, but at night, I just want to feed them and crash.
Next week, they will get a second dose of what is called Synagis, a vaccine for RSV. Preemies are at a very high risk so it will be important to follow through with it. Good news is that T3 is not getting a cold. It was just allergies, phew!! We are safe for another day. .
. Ok, I need to quit rambling.
Much love to you all,
Erica and Tom.
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