Today I am reminded that loving something or someone so much it hurts.. is real. I had to leave the kids this morning and my heart ached like nothing else. As I stared into the eyes of T and the twins, I felt that bittersweetness of the juggling that is now my life. I had to hold back tears so that T wouldn't get upset and that is a new place to be in. .. keeping him from experiencing whatever pain I am feeling. He knows now and I have to really watch it. Having three children is big.. way bigger than I ever imagined and the weight of responsibility is heavy. It is so scary thinking about whether I will be able to provide the emotional, psychological and mental support and stimulation that they need and deserve while also keeping my head screwed on straight. I am in awe of women (and men) for all that they do to raise our kids. I understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed and a bit paralyzed by fear. The enormity of the job ahead of me is strikingly scary but I see that if I break it down to what I can handle each moment or each hour, I can take the next step. I know I must sound so dramatic and cerebral right now but it's true. When you stop and actually take inventory of yourself when evaluating parenthood, it could completely stump you. It certainly stumps me. I feel like crawling into the closet and sucking my thumb sometimes, especially now that the dust has settled. Post NICU never really occurred to me. I mean, what I would feel like.. whether I would escape without some serious emotional scars. Sadly, I have to admit that it did change me. .. I think for the better but I am not sure yet. For now, I will just take it one day at a time and try my very hardest to be present for them and for me.

On a much lighter note.. the new day to day thinking is a bit refreshing as well. When you live moment to moment, you get to notice the nuances and idiosyncrasies, the sparkly smiles, and giggles .. it's quite magical. I LOVE being a mom and all that goes with it and I will continue to walk through each day with them, giving each of them as much love and attention as is humanly possible and pray they turn out well. :) Lord knows their beginning was a little rough but as time passes, things are becoming much more normal and that makes me really happy.

I thank God for all that has gone right and all of the hurdles that have made me a stronger person. Life is crazy and amazing and I am grateful we are all in it together.

Sorry for the "Deep Thoughts" entry but it's where I am today. ..
Erica