What an amazing weekend it was.. we got to spend quality time with the kids and each other (Tom and I).. and we both felt like for the first time in a LONG time.. life is slowing down .. a bit. The twins are getting cuter by the day and bigger!~ Austin had to go to the doctor on Friday and I about fell down when I saw the scale. He weighs 13 pounds, 9 ounces!!! I couldn't believe it..far cry from 3 pounds!! He is getting much happier now too which is so nice. He was really colicky there for a bit and it was hard bc Grace was and is so calm. Well, actually she is now using her voice too. They are both smiling a ton and I finally get to ween them from the Prosobee. I am adding a little of the regular Enfamil formula into their big pitcher each night and eventually it will be converted completely but I want to do it slowly.They are drinking about 5-6 oz. at each feeding now but I have no idea where they fall in the growth charts... we will find out next time at their 6 mo. appts.

I am going to need to get a physical therapist out for Austin though which kind of sucks. He is high tone and needs some attention I think. He is just more stiff than Grace and has a slight flat spot on the back right side of his head. He has found a comfort position and so I have him sleeping on his left side now. The same thing happened with Tommy so I know what to do .. it's just a pain but whatever.

Everything seems to be going okay, I am back at work 2 days a week and sad about it. I miss the kids so much my heart aches but for now, this is what needs to happen. I will pick up another day next month, making it a three day work week but I get Mon. and Fri. off which is nice. We are trucking along and will keep posting as we are able.

Much love to you all,

Erica and Tom

Today I am reminded that loving something or someone so much it hurts.. is real. I had to leave the kids this morning and my heart ached like nothing else. As I stared into the eyes of T and the twins, I felt that bittersweetness of the juggling that is now my life. I had to hold back tears so that T wouldn't get upset and that is a new place to be in. .. keeping him from experiencing whatever pain I am feeling. He knows now and I have to really watch it. Having three children is big.. way bigger than I ever imagined and the weight of responsibility is heavy. It is so scary thinking about whether I will be able to provide the emotional, psychological and mental support and stimulation that they need and deserve while also keeping my head screwed on straight. I am in awe of women (and men) for all that they do to raise our kids. I understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed and a bit paralyzed by fear. The enormity of the job ahead of me is strikingly scary but I see that if I break it down to what I can handle each moment or each hour, I can take the next step. I know I must sound so dramatic and cerebral right now but it's true. When you stop and actually take inventory of yourself when evaluating parenthood, it could completely stump you. It certainly stumps me. I feel like crawling into the closet and sucking my thumb sometimes, especially now that the dust has settled. Post NICU never really occurred to me. I mean, what I would feel like.. whether I would escape without some serious emotional scars. Sadly, I have to admit that it did change me. .. I think for the better but I am not sure yet. For now, I will just take it one day at a time and try my very hardest to be present for them and for me.

On a much lighter note.. the new day to day thinking is a bit refreshing as well. When you live moment to moment, you get to notice the nuances and idiosyncrasies, the sparkly smiles, and giggles .. it's quite magical. I LOVE being a mom and all that goes with it and I will continue to walk through each day with them, giving each of them as much love and attention as is humanly possible and pray they turn out well. :) Lord knows their beginning was a little rough but as time passes, things are becoming much more normal and that makes me really happy.

I thank God for all that has gone right and all of the hurdles that have made me a stronger person. Life is crazy and amazing and I am grateful we are all in it together.

Sorry for the "Deep Thoughts" entry but it's where I am today. ..
Erica 

Today was my first day back at work in almost 6 months and I can't help but feel like I am in the twilight zone. SO much has happened since my last day there (Dec. 15th, 2011) and I am not the same person. I left the twins and Tommy this morning with a really heavy heart and I know with time, I will get used to it. It just feels surreal in every sense of that word. What I am reminded of is that time heals all wounds, and that I can truly move on now.

The kids are amazing as usual, getting bigger and cooing up a storm. Their smiles can light up a room and I can't wait til they can laugh. They are both very strong and can hold up their heads really well. They are tracking and playing with toys you put in front of them. I am really enjoying the time that Tom and I have at night before bed. We each get a baby and just snuggle for a few hours watching TV. It is so comforting to us all and I can't help but think that pretty soon, they will be sitting up in our bed which will be so fun.

There is a reunion for the NICU on the 20th of this month and that feels really strange. We aren't sure if we are going to go yet. I am not sure I am ready to go back there to be honest. The last time was when we took Grace home and I am scared it will bring back all kinds of emotions. .. maybe those are emotions we need to face in order to truly move forward. Who knows.. we will figure it out. We also need to figure out what we are going to do to give back to them. So many of the couples donate time or items for the new parents and we need to think of something special.

I am not sure how much the kids weigh right now but I would guess around 12-13 lbs. They are growing out of their 0-3 month clothes so I would assume they are about 1-2 pounds away from catching up with the regular kids their age. Gracie is a little butterball and Austin looks like a frog with a skinny little waist but a fat tummy. They are still so cute and changing each day. I can't keep up!!

I will update with actual numbers when I get them but for now, they are happy and healthy!!

Much love,
Erica and Tom

4 Months Old and counting..

I can't believe it, but they are 4 months old. I have been daydreaming about what great things I wanted to post and when, but because things have been so chaotic.. here I am just writing what comes to mind in the moment. To start off, BOTH of them rolled over the other day. Grace did it last week and Austin did it yesterday. .. so proud of them! They are growing rapidly now and I think they are around 12 lbs. each. Grace is a little bigger but not by much. They are changing so much it is crazy!! Grace is so mellow most of the time. She sleeps in in the mornings and wants to be up playing in the middle of the night, not a good sign! Austin is high maintenance and knows what he wants and does NOT want. I am impressed with his ability to stop a room when he cries. They now sleep side by side in Grace's crib and I think they are starting to realize that there is another baby nearby when they are sleeping, so cute! For the most part, they each want their individual needs met so the interaction is little at best. They do play under the Baby Einstein gym together and bat at the various toys while cooing.. I love it. I can't wait til they can play together.

I look at them each day and I am in disbelief that they are home, that they are ours. It's as if they are not the same kids from the NICU..surreal. They both recognize Tom and I now and smile from ear to ear. I'm also happy to report that they both have two dimples each and use them well to get much needed cuddles. I never thought I would say this, but the time has truly flown by. We have an NICU reunion this month and I think that will make it even more weird, but could also ground us more. What a journey...

I've been off work for 5 months and will be going back a few days a week in mid-May. It will be heartwrenching to leave them and I'm not looking forward to it, but it's time. :( I feel very blessed and lucky to have had as much time as I have though. Most women get much less.

Update on insurance.. We proved that we had coverage in 2011 and now Blue Cross is saying that they will only pay for room and board in 2012 because we ended our relationship with them before the kids were released. I am livid because that means that we are responsible for all professional services (all the doctors!!) from Jan. 31 until Feb. 17 and 22 respectively. Accolade told us the wrong thing and it looks like we may have to involve an attorney. Why can't things like this just go smoothly? It's not as if the hospital stay was stressful enough. Ugh.
Well, that's all for now.. Gracie woke up and I'm now holding her with my left arm while typing (chicken pecking) with my right index, not as fun.

More as it happens,
Erica and Tom